So I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I am struggling right now. Struggling as a wife, mom, daughter, and friend. I feel like my life is chaos and nothing is falling into place and that I am not fulfilling any of these roles the way I need or want to be. My house is a mess and hasn't been really cleaned since the weekend before I had Scarlett. I keep forgetting important things like friend's birthdays and feel like a complete and total loser because of it. I can't remember the last time I had a moment completely to myself, and it's driving me a little batty. Then there's the fact that I haven't slept in roughly 2 months, and when I do sleep it's with a baby curled up in the crook of my arm and I can't move for fear of crushing her. Which then brings me to the fact that I find myself co-sleeping which is just not something that I want to be doing, but I can't find the energy to change it because I'm so freaking tired.
Nate is going to be gone again this weekend, and though it's something that we both know he needs to do and I wouldn't want him to not go, thinking about it for too long literally moves me to tears. I am not cut out for the single parenting gig right now. I'm too tired and my fuse is too short, and just thinking about another weekend alone with the kids is stressing me out way more than it should. And the sad thing is that it stresses me out for selfish reasons. It stresses me out because I won't be able to go shopping for a new pair of jeans, because I won't be able to go and vote without my children in tow. And then the guilt sets in and eats away at me for thinking about it that way.
I know that things will get better and life will settle down. I know that eventually Scarlett will sleep for more than 2 hours at a time in her own bed at night, and I know that as soon as she figures out a more consistent schedule I'll be able to get some "me" time. But today I feel like I'm barely treading with my head above the water.
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Grayson Jacob
My Little Man
Otherwise known as Gray or Bug, our firstborn is quite the little athlete. He loves all things sports, and talks quite often about being a "professional" when he's big. He has a gentle soul and loves being a big brother. Some of his other favorite things are music, creating art, running, and figuring out how things work, even if it means destroying something in the process. He turned 5 in July and is thoroughly enjoying Kindergarten.
Scarlett Hope
My Little Daredevil
AKA Lettie or Monkey, our little girl is quite a spitfire. Scarlett turned 2 in September. She definitely has a mind of her own and is very strong-willed. She loves to climb on and jump off of everything in sight. Some of her favorite things are books, baby dolls, and monster trucks, though not necessarily in that order. She has a flair for the dramatic, a great sense of humor, and loves figuring out how to make people laugh.
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6 comments:
((((HUGS))) So how can we help? Seriously! Want Grayson to come play at our house for awhile? He can come with us tonight if you'd like. I'd be happy to come watch the kids for you on Sunday if you want to get out and shop. I'm sure Scarlett would fine for at least an hour or more so you could get out of the house.
Definitely don't feel guilty about needing a break. You have your kids and then some 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! EVERYONE needs some alone time.
Cut yourself some slack on remembering birthdays! I'm sure that everyone understands that you, you know...had a BABY a few weeks ago! You have bigger things to worry about!
Please let us give you a hand this weekend! We're thinking of going to the haunted house (kid-friendly) at the Children's Museum on Saturday. Sunday we're free all day until our neighborhood Halloween parade in the evening.
I agree with Melissa. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know it is hard not to.
I have alternately felt like a total failure and a horrible mean shrew over the past 12 weeks. I even quit the orginal blog for a very specific reason - I will have to give you the dish on that some time soon. Get this, I did not even have the baby yet just hugely preggo and I completely forgot about a BEST friend's wedding date (as in she got married!) and I have yet to get them a present.
I am also going to be home alone for five days starting Saturday afternoon so if you want we can get the kids together and co parent! Let them run rampant in my house and make a mess and let it happen all while sneaking yummy treats (to be bought of course ;)
If you need help getting the house cleaned seriously I kick ass at cleaning. I mean I am good - I cleaned houses in college and I actually secretly like to clean but I would never admit this to my husband for various reasons. I am happy to come clean or hold babies and let you get some stuff done. DO NOT FEAR ASKING FOR HELP!
Hang in there on the sleep situation. This too shall pass and know that 1/2 a mile away (if that) I am awake too. Not that it makes life any better but at least there is someone out there going through the same thing at the same time!
You are so lucky to have such great girlfriends to help you out! I can tell they REALLY WANT TO also, so please take them up on it! I wish my family lived closer to us at these times, it can be a real stress to be Single Parenting and without a relative in sight but I trust that you have wonderful friends who will help :)
We're always hardest on ourselves aren't we? I found myself setting these ridiculous expectations for myself as a wife and mom when Olivia was first born. I finally just had to say screw it! I know you know it will get better, but in the mean time, that's what friends are for. It sounds like you have some great ones, so take them up on their offers!
Oh Kelly, I'm so sorry things are going rough right now. Hang in there, and in the mean time if you need any help (when I don't have the kids) let me know, I will try my best to get there and do whatever you need me to do. I'm going to be in Bloomington on Saturday, if you need me for any reason, give me a call. And I'm really sorry about today, I wish I had my car. If you just need someone to talk to I always have my phone! And as everyone else has said, don't worry about forgetting friends birthdays and such, no one is going to get mad at you, or blame you, you have a growing family to take care of, and no one should blame you for that!
It took you 2 months to get to that stage? I'm almost there after 3 DAYS! You're already super mom/woman in my eyes. Hang in there.
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